I keep a blog for reference, so that one day, I can look back.It might seem premature for me to be thinking these thoughts, but I think its best. Now, for a summary of all the things that happened in the last year or so.
Secondary 2, 2011.
MSG 3.00, 3.00, 5.33, 2.66
Played DoTA. Quit DoTA.
Drill competition 3rd. Succeeded in disappointing.
Swore on many occasions. Cursed and swore.
Took a trip to the deep. Surfaced just in time.
Outward Bound School. Homesick.
Took a trip to Taiwan. First tour, as well as first time out of South-East Asia.
First time limerent. Which erases most other memories.
And the rest is history. What I will never remember as long as I'm conscious, and what I will not think when I read this. A promise to self: Take photos, write blogposts, preserve memories. And now, a rant.
I find myself thinking more and more about love and less about concrete things that could do me good. I spend more and more time on social platforms, waiting, WAITING, for no one to come to me. Just waiting for her, a miracle to come, for love to come. I know its not possible. I also know that it's not love. It's just a mixture of strong feelings that I like. I'm addicted to the feeling of love, like a drug. It's a quick fix for happiness, and an escape from my real problems - the ones that are too difficult to face, my issues, such as this one. With the addiction in place, I can only be happy and not CONTENT. NEVER CONTENT. Fleeting happiness is always easier than contentment. That's why I choose to not let go of thoughts of her, wanting so strongly deep down to feel that way towards another person, just so I can get the feelings to come back. The feelings, a cocktail of natural chemicals, are all I want, and not the person. I can live without the girl, but I can't live with being devoid of happiness and sadness, having goals that don't make me happy to pursue.
I know, but I just won't do it.
It may seem rather simple to you, dear reader, or me in the future. But a warning: Only addicts know how other addicts feel. The addiction is strong, detrimental and any normal, sane person might be able to let go, but not the addict. The addict cannot let go, because cold turkey and the subsequent plateau is too bland, too easy, too hard to handle. It's always easier to have imaginary problems than to face your real problems. Always easier to pretend to solve than to actually act.
/endrant
I do hope the future me, in reading this post, smiles a little, cocks his head, understands me. Because that's what I'd really want him to do, instead of making noise about how bloody immature I am compared to him right now. Understand, and remember.
Sidenote: some attention seeker keeps irritating you and you want to scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE" at him / her, but you're too nice to, because you know what it feels like to be rejected by someone you care about. I am an introvert at times.
(5:42:00 PM)
